the craigslist cliché
2008-05-05
12:31

So I posted a Craigslist add over the weekend. I keep wanting to shake things up - also to feel like I'm throwing my hat in the ring in some sense - and I got a fair number of replies - everyone does - so I set up a quick meeting for drinks with this guy. Nice face, tall, lithe, so attractive - not the most stimulating conversation I've ever had but then, all of the best conversations I've ever had were with people I knew well. The closest I've come is a good conversation, a really easy one that just flows from topic to topic effortlessly, with a friend of a friend - someone I've heard about so much (and vice versa) that it's almost like we were actually friends before we met.

And not a bad conversation, per se - just not something to write home about.

He seems sweet but not a pushover, strong but not a thug - my first impression, in that sense, was very positive. But the dude is a little cagey. I respect that, meeting random people off the internet is risky and people who are careful about their life and reputation are doing the right thing. But he's certainly open enough and nice enough. But then also - clearly - focused on sex. I said straight off (it's the polite thing to do) that I'm not just interested in getting laid and not the right person to talk to about that. On the other hand, the guy is hot and I haven't had sex in a really, really long time.

It's been so long since I've actually dated a guy I forget what it's supposed to be like...how things are supposed to go...and internet dating is weird, straight up. So it's hard for me to gauge exactly what's happening. I would love to get laid, but I am not going to jeopardize my self-esteem, or my safety...it's just not worth it. I have had a handful of really one-off encounters, two that ended in sex - and the most recent thing, that one night stand I had in NYC over a year ago, it was actually successful and pleasant and enjoyable and like, that was it, I'd managed to have one good one night stand and at that moment I knew I would never intentionally do it again.

Really, the most successful bits of the conversation at the bar were about sex or relationships - and then we've chatted a couple of times via IM and they've been very, very sexual in nature. On the one hand, I'm turned on - on the other, I'm wary. And it's really easy for me to walk away from this shit. Celibacy is my natural state; it's not hard for me to extend it. I'm jumpy and suspicious. The guy says he's open to a friends-with-benefits sort of thing, or a relationship - I mean, again, it's important to state your intentions and possibly he's being honest. But then, actions speak louder than words - especially where sex is involved - and that's the focus...

In short, I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I'm all riled up now - I want to jump the guy. On the other hand, I feel that it would probably be smarter to maintain a distance until I'm positive I'm not going to get a roll in the hay and a lot of regrets afterwards. I'm also quite sure if things continue as they have been...I'm going to give in and sleep with the guy soon. So here I am, in the usual Erin-place: wondering if I should cut something off pre-emptively...because I love self-denial? Or because that's the wise thing to do? I confuse self-denial and wisdom; this is why I keep thinking I should get tattoo of the word "Yes" somewhere on my body (I'd really like it in cursive script on the inside of my wrist, but that won't fly). But then, the reverse impulse - to do something despite my misgivings - can be just as foolish as I suspect it is.

A lot of strength is about understanding your own weaknesses. Right now, I would have an easy time walking away from this mini-drama. Easy. But if I meet up with him again, and he's applying any pressure at all, I will cave. Unless I am specifically and for some good reason determined to say no come hell or high water before I go in to the meeting. If I start off determined like that I could do it. But if I go in with an open question - not sure - a little push and I'll give in. So I need to not see him again, or to decide what I will do before I see him again. And I need to be sure about it.

How do I know if he's treating me like a whore? Because that's what I'm worried about.

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In Circulation
a long overdue update - 2008-06-02
dear world, I seek your advice - 2008-05-14
net loss, I think - 2008-05-11
two things. - 2008-05-07
the craigslist cliché - 2008-05-05